BLACKOUT

CHRONOLGY OF EVENTS:

Last night, It all started with some ice wine truffles (3-5 of them), than there was a quarter bottle of wine, than there was one organic beer, and to top it all 60-90 ml of cuban Rum. All the drinks spread over three hours. They might look moderate quantities, but I have really very low alcoholic tolerance, something that I am proud of ... LOLS

Got up in the morning, went for some roller blading, good cold shower, very nice and healthy breakfast of strawberry/banana smoothie and some oats. Pretty perfect start for the day. Than I opened up my laptop ....... Checked my e-mails (some nice mails) .... Got a confirmation from Mélanie that she is willing to load up her SUV and move all of my stuff to Toronto. (I love this ride sharing board, I have met some very nice and interesting people while offering rides whenever I drove between Ottawa and Toronto. Sometimes I think about writing some book on these people ... lols). I also heard back from a friend who was planning to go to eastern Tibet last year.

Than I check the emails that i had sent last night, I was like when did I do that ..... okay, not too bad. .... and than ..... and than ..... I log on to skype, I see that my credit on Skype has gone down considereably. So I check the call history .... TABARNAC !!!!!!!!!! I guess finally, I come to terms with the reality/absurdity of the previous night. I had made quite a few calls from Skype last night (Thank God I got unlimited calling within North America ... lols, and my longest call was to someone in Japan) .... But I really had no recollection of them, well just a faint recollection. I remembered well only one out of those phone calls I made and that was probably because I had fixed up a time to meet that person today.

I was feeling quite crappy last night, I was feeling crappy about some complicated issues that i can't really divulge on this blog. But today i am feeling much better, Now I wonder if I repressed those crappy emotions or did alcohol acted like a catalyst for letting them out. Looking back, I would have preferred to face those feelings and deal with them, get over with them, rather than what seems to be running away from them, or maybe I did deal with them ..... grrrrr, I analyze too much ... don't you think.

Now I am a bit disappointed for not being able to "take care" (very debatable term/word) and sort of making a show of myself .... grrrrrrrrr. A kind of feeling that one gets for being vulnerable, but than I think being vulnerable is a good exercise to find out who our true friends really are and also to see/check our limits. We should check our limits once in a while, other wise how will we ever find out how much we are capable of doing. Its like going downhill on one ski, or holding that yoga posture for one more minute just after your body says it can't take it anymore. (I must say too much testing can cause damage though, a good technique in my opinion would be to listen to our bodies). BTW all of us are bound to be vulnerable at some point, its just a a matter of acknowledging this fact and than dealing with it. Two issues here, I want to feel vulnerable and see how my friends deal with that, but at the same time I don't want people to take unfair advantage of my vulnerability. I feel obligated to be good to myself also.

Now, since I don't really indulge into drinking alcohol that often (This was my second blackout in six years that I have been living in Canada), a part of me is kind of pretty happy that i did it. BTW I usually become mellow and kind of go into my cocoon after few drinks, but last night was a bit different .... again I impress/shock myself by coming into terms with a part of myself that I was't aware of ... lols. But I can tell you that the next time I plan to do something like this, there is going to be no phone calls or emails ... lols.

I realized two more things while writing this:
1. Ottawa is one city, where I have lived the longest in my life so far.
2. There might have been other blackouts that I might not be even aware of .... (Scary but true ... lols)

Something I shot

Something I shot while camaping in the Gatineau Park few days ago

psst psst ... some gossip here

Gossip is something that nobody admits to like but eveyboy enjoys it. It is ironic that gossip in itself does not stand that high in the eyes of the social standards eventhough it has the tendecy to build strong bond between the individuals. Gossip also acts like a fine filter by weeding out liars and cheaters, by making them social outcasts. Gossip gives us indirect evaluations. It teaches us what is socially acceptable and what is not, so basically it gives us a good idea about how to behave in society. It also determines our standing in the community. The only worse thing than being talked about is not being talked about.

I wonder how the social life would be without the gossip. Without this fine filter of Gossip, it won't be a surprise if the whole community/society fell apart, as we will not have a very good idea about what is good/acceptable and bad/unacceptable. Managers of organizations should encourage some gossip in the office as boss bashing unifies the team and that enhances the overall productivity. If the boss has some good sources in the low ranks of the office, he/she can also learn more about his/her percieved standing in the group.

Some fine pointers on how to make good gossiper as mentioned in the PT Dec 2005: Keep Secrets, Know your audience, Embellish, Never Reveal your Source, Don't rebuff a disclosure. Research Findings: Denser the social network, more honest the people.

Thin Line between Bravery and Cowardice

Many times, when I am travelling, I wonder if I am doing it for the fun of it or whether it is just some sort of defence mechanism for running away from reality. Time has come again now, I bought a one way ticket to India and I think I will be there for something like six months.

BACKGROUND: I had a very hard time finding a decent job, than I networked extensively in the past few months in Ottawa and right now when I had some acquaintances at high ranking places, I decide to quit and go to India. Recently, I was getting kind of settled in this western lifestyle of Canada, but I decided to break down these chains (or we can call it comforts) and take this plunge into uncertainty and find my call (or maybe I am running away from reality). There seems to be such a thin line between bravery and cowardice. What I am doing this summers can be viewed as a bravery in one perspective and it be viewed as an act of cowardice in the other. Another thing that has baffled me is "Suicide", should it be considered as an act of bravery for jumping into the unknown to put an end to miserable life or should it be considered as a normally accepted act of cowardice.

Is it running away from safety in search of my true voice? What is my true voice? I wish I could hear my inner voice clearly. Well, on a good day if I listen very carefully, I think I can hear some mumbling originating from my innerself, but this voice seems so low and unclear... I think it will take some time and effort before I will be able to understand it and comprehend it and be true to my innerself.

Decisions can be so hard at times and it is so hard to know ourselves and know what we want. Don't you think that once we know what we want, that moment would be Nirvana!! But before that will happen, we will have to listen to ourselves and understand ourselves.

BTW ... talking about travelling remind of the way I used to classify different types of travellers.
1. Ego Travellers: These people just travel to boost their ego from the fact that they can brag by saying that they have been to this and that place.
2. Soul Travellers: The second type, the one I would like to be but I don't think it is always possible to become are the people who travel for the fun of travelling.

Capitalistic World .. am I in the vortex of it!!

I think I am in the vortex of capitalistic world right now. I have been working overtime, sleeping for something like 5-6 hours per day, not having time to cook my own food, and above all being uproductive in my artisitic pursuits (not being able to do any experimentations with photography and not being able to post anything on my blogs).

I realized about this capitalistic vortex today when I was thinking about going to work instead of making myself a nice breakfast. I like to eat good food and cook some nice food for myself (I guess I am trying to imply that I am a good cook :D), so if I am thinking about going to work instead of eating good food, it means that I like money more than food which should not be the case IMHO. I guess I have become like the kind of people that I don't want to become, the kind of people who eat out most of the time because they don't have time to cook for themselves. IMHO if you don't respect the limits of your body, whats the use of making all the money. It is all useless in my opinion.

I have been sleeping so very little lately that the only thing I can do is work, besides that I don't really feel like posting on the blogs or taking some photos. My body tells me to stop working overtime but my greed for money tells me to endure more and more pains for the sake of money. I want to buy another lens for my camera actually that is the reason why I have been working overtime for such a long time. I guess I will be working for one more week only after that I am leaving for India for 3-6 months so it is okay to work overtime for a while. Yes the end is near, I can hear it coming if I listen to it carefully.

For those of you who are curious about what finally happened today, well I did listen to my body instead of listening to my greed. I stayed home and made myself a smoothie, some toasts, supersexy omlette with vegetables, had a freshly squeezed orange juice ... and few other small things (YES !!! it was good food and I thouroughly enjoyed it). Now I am so full and feeling better. I think I am going to sleep for two more hours before finally going to work ... oh well I can live with working half day today, afterall it is Saturday and most people don't even work.

Have a good weekend everyone, I will be working no overtime though !!, (by no overtime, I mean that I will be working for 8 hours per day only)

Ringxiety, Mailxiety and Critiqxiety

"Ringxiety", I think this is one the best new word that I have come across this month. I like this word, because I think everybody suffers from Ringxiety to a certain degree. In my case, I think I experience mailxiety more than ringxiety.

So what is Ringxiety?
Ringxiety is a relatively new term denoted by psychologists for a disorder when people mistake or imagine the external sounds to be that of their mobiles (cell phones) ringing, or they can also mistake the vibrations from the vehicle (e.g. while commuting to work) to be a call.

It seems that we have grown emotionally dependent on our mobiles for the feeling of self worth. We rely on the number of phone calls or the text messages that we get to measure our popularity and than our popularity gives us the feelings of self worth.

Variations of Ringxiety:
I think I suffer from Mailxiety more than I suffer from Ringxiety. When I get up in the morning, first thing I do is check out my emails, and this is pretty much the last thing I do before going to bed. Once in a while I post my photos on this website "Trek Earth", over there one can come across many people suffering from Critiqxiety i.e. people seem to be relying on the number of critiques that they get for their photos as an indicator of how good of a photographer they are.

Maybe the catch is to deal with Ringxiety and not to let it ruin and complicate our lives. I think it all comes down to keeping the fine balance.

Real life Incident: Few days ago I was chatting with a friend of mine from Europe and she told me that if she gets less than 4 SMS per hour on her mobile, she starts getting a feeling that she is not popular enough. I looked at my mobile and saw that last SMS that I had got was two weeks ago ;-). BTW ... It is not that I do not suffer from ringxiety at all, It is just that SMS is not really that popular on part of the earth where I live :D.

Now that I know what I suffer from i.e. mailxiety, I think the next step would be to formulate a plan that will subdue this. Oh well ... I am working on it ... I think I need to check my email now lols ... maybe I should try to sleep without checking my mails tonight ... but how will I be able to sleep than :-S. I wonder what will happen when I go trekking in the himalayas. There are going to be no mobiles and no computers for many weeks at a stretch ... just a peaceful life ..... Cheers to that.